Im tired.

im tired of everything. I wanna let all out. The feeling of wanna be free. The feeling of wanna get untied. But, the love is killing my desire, my want. How can i be free if i love him? I wanna enjoy my teenage life much. But,it seems i don't. I don't wanna regret. Will he regret it one day to? I love you so much. That i don't manage to let u go. But, in me... something telling me, something ain't right. When you are angry at me, you neglected my calls, my sms-es. You expect me to be whole bloody perfect. But i am just not. if you cudden accept me and my way, please, don't hesistate to tell me. I won't change for the better, cause it ain't me at all.

Hubbie, i miss the time i cry on your shoulders ,to the problems we are facing. I had longed to be in your arms for so long. No matter how i felt. Angry or happy. I still wanna be in your warmth. I had always felt, the drastic change that i have to adapt to. I had always wanted to tell you, how much i hated silence. How much i hated to wait for your reply to my sms-es and calls when you are mad at me. Have you ever notice, how much tears i let it rolling down my cheeks to keep me calm and hang on still while i waited for your name to appear on my phone screen.

I loved you so much, that although im tired of your jealousy, im still loving you so much. dear, please do understand dat im still a growing teenager. i wanted to be someone that won't be drown by the word problem by love. i wanna be free from it darling. sometimes, to be lonely is much better. to feel the full freedom of what you wanna do. but,i noe, im too weak to let it go. I cudden resist the tears that flows down my cheeks as i wrote this. cause, deep down in me, i love you so much that i never wanna let you go. and deep down in me, im tired of the game we are playing. i wanted to tell you face to face, how exactly i felt, but the time is never right.

Since weget together again, i cry to myself to let me up. I keep to myself the burden im having. Cause i never wanted to see you get caught up by all the tiny-meeny-weeny problems im facing for our relationship. and how i felt. cause i truly know, the importance of ur presence to your family. the hardship you are going through there. I can never cry with you there at lonely and calm night, but i am sure to hear you sob.

It makes me feel uneven to wait for your calls your respond while thinking how unfair this is to me. If it were to be ur fault, u had told me to forgive and forget. You force me to start anew eventhough my head is still meddling with the game. And you threatened me to your every move. To satisfy the MAN-ly ego in you. And when, i am in your shoes, you let me suffer myself, waiting for your respond. Is that what you call fair? Is that what you say, "I am not gonna let you suffer by yourself,cause i will do the upmost everything to make you smile wide."

I had follow your every say. To do this and that. To look after your heart. To satisfy each and every of your desire. To sacrifice what other teenagers are doing now. Im jealous. Totally jealous of what others are going through as young adult. Whereas i am here talking about us. Isn't it too early? Now, what comes to my mind is, what mum and dad say are right. The time is not right to get invovle. I wanna be free. But i love you. I wanna be with you, but the problems is a big weight on me...


Bukan aku tak sayang
namun aku lelah
Bukan aku tak perlukan
malah aku amat memerlukan.

Mengapa harus laku kitaa begini
dihimpit rasa sayang
menyebabkan sukarnya untukku membebaskan
apa yangku pendam
demi menjaga perasaanmu
demi menjaga hatimu,sayang.

Apakah aku masih mementingkan perasaan
sehinggakan aku mengungkir janjiku
untuk luahkan segala rasa
hanya padamu seorang

Bukan tak mahu ku nyatakan
apa yang aku rasa dan lalui
namun demi kepentingan kehadiranmu
pada keluargamu...

maafkan aku kerna tak dapat menjadi
seorang pranita yang kau idami
sesungguhnya ini kelemahan aku
untuk bermanja dan melembutkan hatimu..

Kata kan sahaja bencimu
katakan sahaja dukamu
tetapi, jangan kau diam tiada khabar.

tak dapatku gambarkan
apakah perasaan gembur yang aku alami
tika menantikan panggilanmu kembali..

Bukan aku tiada kesabaran
malah aku amat benci dengan penantian
kerana itulah penyeksaanku.

Sebelumku akhiri, maafkanlah segala silap lakuku.
Kerna aku tak sesempurna wanita idamanmu.....
SEKIAN.









p/s: i noe..u werent sleeping.. you were in the kitchen. talking to ur mum.

salam sayang.