Granny was warded in the hospital. On Sunday.
I was left all alone to settle her in the ward. Her teary eyes describes the pain that she had to endure.Her wheeze made me felt even touched. Her complaints about the pain left me nothing to do but stare it with sympathy. An old lady like her, why put her through in such a pain, if u people knows that recovery is not on her side. C'mon, she is getting older by day, and if GOD is taking her sooner or later, please i beg u dun put her through the rough obstacles. I know she is petrified to face it all alone on bed. Her eyes rolled to me helplessly if she saw a nurse walking towards her bed with a long and sharp needle. I ws told to get up and leave, how i wished i could shout into the nurse face that i wanna be by her side, leaving her holding on to my hands,in pain. I looked at her from the outside window and try to put myself into her shoes, OH how i wish i could. Please don;t be so mean to let her face all this before she left. Almost every hour you wake her up to take her blood, test this test that, insert this insert that.. OH FREAKOS, give her a break to rest for goodness sake!

Sedangku leka melihat wajahmu yang berkerut seribu, sibuk tanganku membelai ubunmu. Memanjakan dirimu dengan belaian kasih agar jiwamu tenang. Engkau memeluk dirimu menahan sakit yang perit. Maafkan aku kerana aku tidak berdaya melakukan apa-apa, sekadar melihatmu berjuang demi nyawamu. Hatiku sebak mendengar rayuan, rengekkan dan panggilanmu agar terus berada di sisimi. Duhai nenda, tak akanku biarkan dikau bersendirian meneroka alam yang penuh kesakitan. Dikau lena di dalam belaianku dan mataku yang setia melihatmu.

Doctor: How are you related to Mdm Jimah?
Me: Im her granddaughter.
Doctor: Can i speak to you outside?
Me: Yes sure.
Doctor: I hope you are aware that she had a minor heart attack yesterday. Other than that, she had high blood pressure and diabetics. Let me explain to you the risk of someone having a heart attack. Well, 1/3 of the patients that will even pass away before reaching to hospital to seek for help. Some even pass away silently. We are only doctors and we are unable to tell when is someone that suffers from heart attack can last. But we can help to give medications and check on our patients. I hope that you will be mentally prepared for anything that might happen. And for further information, I would not recommend you to put her through machine to keep her heart thumping if need be. So you get me right?
Me: Yes. *thats all i could say.im crying.and the nurse is hugging me.

I suddenly feel that my world around me is turning like no other business. And i could feel the huge pain in my throat. I had to go through this period of time alone. A 16 year old girl, trying her very best to understand every single word that the doctor had just said.

A few minutes pass,my eyes are still red. She called me to help her take the cup of drink. She is really dehydrated.

Nenek: Kau nangis kenaper?
Dayah: Tak, dayah tak nangis, mater dayah saket pakai yang plastik tu.
Nenek: Asl kau pakai? Bukak lah, nanti buter.
Dayah: Tak lah.. Nenek tido ehh? Dayah teman nenek.
Nenek: Kau tk tdo?
Dayah: Nenek tdo dayah tdo. Nenek tak tdo, dayah tk tdo lah.
Nenek: Kau tak penat ke satu malam kau berjager untuk aku?
Dayah: Dayah tak penat. Nenek tdo ehh..?
Nenek: Aku tak boleh lelap. Aku nk bobal ngn kau.
Dayah: Bobal lah.dayah dengar.
Nenek: Kau tau tak....

She continue to speak, but i wasnt paying attention at all. Im thinking about the worst. Im not ready to lose another granny. I had been leaving with her for 16 years. She knows me very well, and she is the place where i utter my problems to her. She was the one that teaches me to read the HOLY QURAN. She was the one that thought me how to pray, recite the prayers and stuff. And in the future, if i ever does any of the above, how my mind will go to her. I love her.

Years ago, i threw the plates on her bed, cause i wasnt happy for some reasons. I stuffed my ears with the earpiece when she nags at my behaviour. AND NOW, i regret. I totally regret. Just by staring into her eyes, holding on to her hands, and feel her heart beat, made me cry.

Nenek: Asl kau nangis nie?
Dayah: tak lah. Mater dayah saket.

Thats the only reason i could give.

Nenek: Doctor kater aper kat kau?
Dayah: Doctor kater nenek demam. Banyak pkran.
Nenek: Asl aku tanyer jer, itu jer jawab kau. Tapi bbl ngn doctor kat luar tu lamer2. Itu jer dier cakap?
Dayah: aah nek. tu jer dier ckp. dah nenek mkn eh..?
Nenek: Tak mau lah. Kau tipu aku kan?
Dayah: tak lah.nenek mkn ehh??
Nenek:Kau makan lah. Aku tk der selera. Nanti kau dh makan kau blg doctor aku dh mkn. Jadi aku blh balek.
Dayah: ishk! nenek tak makan nenek tak sayang dayah.

I took the bowl of porridge and fed her. I realised the world rotation. Just 5 spoons full of porridge and a sip of hot milo, she stopped eating.

I was resting wen my aunt came.
She hugged my grandmother. I held out my hands to shake her hand. But she ignored. I tried it again, and she act as if she didnt see me. I knew why. I shook me head and wen outside. She say alot of things to granny, but i just kept quiet. After she left, w/o looking at me, mum reached.
Mum saw my red eye and asked why i was crying. I text her on phone, not wanting to let granny know what are we keeping from her. Few minutes later, the doctor came and talked to mum.
We controlled our tears. I cudden bear it longer so i went out of the room and cry.


Mum: makanlah mak.
Nenek: Tak nak lah. Aku nk dayah suap. Dier pandai suap aku.

i was at the corner of the room trying to sleep, get up straight away wen hearing that. I fed her again.

The time came when i went home with shu.
And part nie, aku malas nk elaborate.

SHU,
psl dier kiter bertekak. pls lah, i cudden bear to lose another wall.
im sowie for what had happen, but u are still my best buddy.you know exactly everything that happen in my family.and u shud noe that i was so tired today.damn tired.

and,
im tired of every single thing!