It is just too fast.
And im dreading.

Sunday
I did not went for my religious class as at home we had a birthday part for granny.
She says its her last wish. So we had it. We took pictures and she say out her wish.

"Nenek nak ucapkan sumer selamat dunia akhirat."

I turned around and my wiped my tears. I dun understand why i cried..


Wednesday
I was doing my maths. Got a phone kol from mum. Shouted over the phone to ask me go home.

syira: BALEK SEKARANG!
me: ASL? akak ader class?
syira: SEKARANG! background: mum crying..NENEK kau dah meninggal!!
me: HUH?

i left my pencil case n calculator.
grab my bag n ran off.
from sch library all the way to grandma's room.

Saturday, July 26, 2008 ♥

LOOK HERE!
JUST FOR YOU MISTER.

I had never wanted to do this.
BUT DON'T make me do it.
Cause, i won't hesistate to make ur heart, ur pride go down n down.

2 words to describe myself right now:

SLEEPY & TIRED!

@ 10:10 AM

Thursday, July 24, 2008 ♥

I woke up with a heavy head. So sleepy. Thought of skipping school but then i would end up losing. So i drag myself up. So heavy that i feel as though i need a bulldozer to carry me up to the bathroom. =]

School was okeh lah today. I did not sleep during English periods today. I survived 3 periods straight. Yah i felt so sleepy.. I only manage to slouch on the desk. Mrs tan did oral with me and ask me to talk about my favourite food.
I wasnt ready mentally and physically. So i talked rubbish. I start of with saying, "My favourite food is chicken rice." Which totally is a lie. Cause i just cudden stand eating chicken rice. Chicken with rice and chilli and soup.. So plain and some of the chilli that ive eaten before really make my appetite go down. I talked about the fagrant of the chicken rice and went on so blurly that i say "The rice taste different from normal rice." At that point of time i felt like bursting out my laughter into her face.

After school i met RIYADH. I din went for english choice cause i know that not all will turn up.
I just got the feeling that i and him will be fighting if we ever meet at the glanggang.HAHA.
I will be going to his glanggang tmr. Ive told the truth to dad that im going to RIYADH's glanggang tmr. As usual, he and his comment.
And i found out that dad knows mamat. The vista point carrom guy. HAHA. I wonder how. But nahh i will ask him on saturday if im gg home by train next week.

*Kau kalau raser aper yang kau buat betol dan memadai kehidupan seharian kau, go on ar. Aku siket pun tk heran. Tapi ingat, aper2 jadi kat kau, jangan carik aku. Jgn mintak tlg aku. bkn aku tknk tlg kau tp igt ar, aku ckp kau tknk dgr. TC ar kawan!

p/s: She might be thinking she is way betta then me by saying those stuff. But please you got the wrong partner for yourself, girl.

@ 9:07 AM

Tuesday, July 22, 2008 ♥

Im so tired and so down.
But at the same time i feel good to reunite my friends back.

Im tired of studying till late night. Which resulted me sleeping in class.
But today, during social studies, i did sleep after i completed my work which never been that case before. I had always been sleeping in class during social studies.
Its so much of self-control la.

Good for my grandmum that she is back at home. But nowadays, she has been giving problems. But im taking it slowly cause, i don't know till when she will be leaving with me here.

I had been contacting with RIYADH back. Actually, i have never expected this to happen. But, two birds that have been in love before, for like years... Its really hard to ignore him..
ZULFIKAR wanted me to go to his birthday party on the 2nd Aug, but i have my NDP last training i gez..so..i will see how.. * I really want to know who the person is with the nick 'hamba allah' at my taggyyy..If u are reading..Please answer me kk.

&& i miss the free free time i have.. seriously lahh.. im so busie to even have time for myself..
& i hate my face complexion.like seriously seyy. i m at the verge of crying to see my face in the mirror to see the pimples popping out like no business. sometimes it triggers my self esteem seyy.. like to talk to someone and that person look at you; my face i mean. then deep in his/her hart they will go...'Terrible Complexion. Pimple face.(PF)'
Seriously i don't know what to do.
How to keep my face not oily seyy..?? I mean i cant be wiping my face with tissue all the time kan..?? And it is oil-free like early in the morning...
It can be because of some possibilities of the pimples outbreak when i think.
-Puberty *but it cannot be sooo long kan..?? Some of my friends which are at the same age or younger doesnt even have A PIMPLE.
-Menses.
-Generation from my mum.
-Stressssssss

Aiyaaah seriouslaaaaa...It affects my self-esteem so much tauu!!!!!

Prelims time table are out. O level "schedule" are out. It is in inverted commas cause it is not confirmed yet.

ALL THE BEST LAHH DAYAH! =[

@ 4:25 AM

Sunday, July 20, 2008 ♥

& oh..
SHU,
aku tak pernah nak luperkan member.
But i think, you are not the old shu dat i know.
Seriously.
Im not humiliating u or demoralising u.
Not only me that realised how much uve changed.
But others.
You begin to have so much of temper in u back as again.
Other then that, u begin to act so minah-ish.
I am not saying im a good-oh-gal ah.
I noe im from dat bad blood history.
Cara kau bobal pun dah laen.
Orang kenal kau pakai tudong, beh kau maki2.
Bdk2 silat tnyer2 aku. Aper aku nk jwb?
i can only say, "she is ok actuallie. Maybe surroundings dier kat school laen. Kiter bdk circular laen mah"
Aku fhm kau.
U kip asking me ,"kau nak mengamok ngn aku per?"
mmg aku terhutang budi kat kau and such.
Tp darah kalu dah menyirap, sbr pun blh habes shu.
CMON ar shu...i kip teling myself, maybe u are having probs so thts y..
but cant be that almost every single time mcm ni kan?
Kau tk rindu per time kiter lepak2 kat umah aku?
u are such a godd friend.
but sorry to say that small percentage of attitude in u depends ur altitude.
mmg kau blh ckp, suker ati aku lah.aku nyer hidop.
But pls, kalau tk sbb aku kesah and syg kat kau, aku tk uat ni sumer ar.
sumtimes u leave me in two options to pick.
and sumtimes...its hard.

like..gg home by 960 with sumone.
and be in a transport gg to wlands alone.
wen actually u havent confirm whr r u heading..wlands or bedok.
im not saying im right ur rong.
NEVER!
but its the situation that we luk on.
GAL, have a break and think.
maybe u are just too stress over ur prbs at home sch and etc.
but wadeva it is...im always here for u NUR SHUHADAH BTE SINWAN.

@ 7:51 AM

♥

He came to me yesterday while i was sitting down with the rest of my friends.
I just realised i dun smile,talk or laugh like usual yesterday.
I was uberly quiet.

Him : Ader masalah?
Me : Tak aader. *kalau ader pun..do u care?
Him : Something's not right. Cmon tell me.
Me : No im fine. *smiling.
Him: Ok. Kalau ader masalah u could give me a call. I am for you tau.
Me: Ouh. Hm..can i have my jacket back?
Him: Insya-allah this monday. Coz ive got to settle alot of official things.
Me : You're coming this monday?
Him: I will see how. Coz i nid to settle ur glanggang nyer baju and cards. Then ive to go for operation. Pluck 4 of my wisdom tooth. Then september, im flying off.
Me : Ouh, take care then.

*he smiled and walked off.
You said u are for me? Joking is it? You went off by giving me those fake excuses. You will try ur very best to find a time when u could talk privately with me.
And when u are in front of ur gal, u just look and went off just like dat.
U think im a doll? HOLY COW! NO!

Im not contacting MR kidnapper anymore.
One kind of maniac..

Before last saturday training. I met mira,adam and yad at mira and yad's house.
their mum got back and told their aunt that im her daughter in law and adam her son in law.
HISTORY-kan?
If ever no crisis of him and my parents...
A yr and five months will be on going.
Yad kips pestering and disturbing me.
Pinched both of my cheeks that ppl called me pancake.
Smack my face in between of two 'shinning stars'.
Told ppl to block my way while im chasing him.
AND THE BUDAK2 LELAKI from hostel did exactly wad he told.
in the end...im in the ring!
KURENG HASEM!

@ 7:34 AM

Thursday, July 17, 2008 ♥

I had never felt this way or the other.
All i wanted to do is to tell you how much i miss you so.
But it izzen worth it at all coz, u wun understand.
Stop denying the whole fact that ou had cause it to happen.
This is not what i want and it is against my will.
but it happen coz it wants to happen and the events that lead to happen add on to the fact that we did not stop it from happening.

Ive got my companion.
To replace the silence in me.
Not one, not two...But alot.
I dun nid you, but i nid them..

Just all the best and goodbye.
But, its never too late to say goodbye...

@ 10:30 PM

Monday, July 14, 2008 ♥

15 June 2008

Ya, its not ez to forget the past.
That all this while had taken place within me.
But all u did was going around, hanky-pankying with another gal, unlike my kind.
All the best and be happy always.
Since ive say u in my prayers, i will contine like always, but that doesnt mean, u are special to me like before, but because, u are my past. My lovely past.
Therefore, u are my sweetest revenge.

I will be having my mother tounge listening comprehension today, in the afternn.
Something i hate doing but i have to.
SO,all the best to all O level mother tounge takers or perhaps, candidates.

Yesterday silat training wasnt tiring like usual.
COZ,i felt that it is more to the olahraga part.
training of speed n force.
ruddy; instructor, can even tok to the one kicking the padding while he hold the padding.
well, i can feel my foot, ankle dismantling wen i woke up today morning.


I got to noe a new guy.
a new companion.
i called him, mr kidnapper.
coz he says, he loves kiddnappppinngg.
knew him during NDP.


p/s: i dun nid u anymore.
AND im truly serious.

@ 10:35 PM

Friday, July 11, 2008 ♥

THE GEREK TEACHER.. FAREWELL..

Knew her since sec 3..
Relieved my class.
As usual, my mouth wun stop chattering.
so make friends with her.
GREAT BONDING.
gonna miss her.
TAKE CASRE OI!


And now..
i guess...he had made his decision.
tkperlah..
as u are happy...i am happy..
all the best lahh.

@ 7:48 AM

Thursday, July 10, 2008 ♥

I have nothing to blog about.
But i feel like blogging.
Although i have no idea on what to rite.

School had been tiring for me.
Just now had D&T for 4 periods straight.
Polish up my product, then plan monday 3 periods i will do my last touch up and done..

English was a total boredom. 3 periods straight early in the morning.
Felt like mati-ing soon like that.
Then emaths was ok, did the weekly test on Graphs in practical situation, I THINK.
First off,i thought i wun noe how to do, coz i din do my revision.
Turn out that, most of the question were in the ten year series i did the previous nite.
P.Hist, teacher nvr come.
Had M.T after recess.
i talked and disterb my friends alot.
Taught lily some of the coordinate geometry.
THen D&T and geog.

had to repay my one hour of maths class at 5.30 to 6.30.
n i got to noe alot of things; information from just a kol just now.

p/s: i miss u.

@ 8:18 AM

Tuesday, July 8, 2008 ♥

& i do still miss him.
i just cudden find the right moment for us to tok.

& i am dead tired.
physically and mentally.

& my foot are on my nerve.
they are really in pain.

& ruddy said it may be of my ligament,muscle or salah urat.
and it is swollen at the toe area.

& doctor gave a kol and says,
"If it doesnt cure within a few weeks time, and i still cudden run as per normal in a month time, it is gonna be permanent."

count: from 15 june to today.
how long oready,still havent cure!

@ 9:21 AM

Monday, July 7, 2008 ♥

Why is this happening to me; my family?

Granny was warded in the hospital. On Sunday.
I was left all alone to settle her in the ward. Her teary eyes describes the pain that she had to endure.Her wheeze made me felt even touched. Her complaints about the pain left me nothing to do but stare it with sympathy. An old lady like her, why put her through in such a pain, if u people knows that recovery is not on her side. C'mon, she is getting older by day, and if GOD is taking her sooner or later, please i beg u dun put her through the rough obstacles. I know she is petrified to face it all alone on bed. Her eyes rolled to me helplessly if she saw a nurse walking towards her bed with a long and sharp needle. I ws told to get up and leave, how i wished i could shout into the nurse face that i wanna be by her side, leaving her holding on to my hands,in pain. I looked at her from the outside window and try to put myself into her shoes, OH how i wish i could. Please don;t be so mean to let her face all this before she left. Almost every hour you wake her up to take her blood, test this test that, insert this insert that.. OH FREAKOS, give her a break to rest for goodness sake!

Sedangku leka melihat wajahmu yang berkerut seribu, sibuk tanganku membelai ubunmu. Memanjakan dirimu dengan belaian kasih agar jiwamu tenang. Engkau memeluk dirimu menahan sakit yang perit. Maafkan aku kerana aku tidak berdaya melakukan apa-apa, sekadar melihatmu berjuang demi nyawamu. Hatiku sebak mendengar rayuan, rengekkan dan panggilanmu agar terus berada di sisimi. Duhai nenda, tak akanku biarkan dikau bersendirian meneroka alam yang penuh kesakitan. Dikau lena di dalam belaianku dan mataku yang setia melihatmu.

Doctor: How are you related to Mdm Jimah?
Me: Im her granddaughter.
Doctor: Can i speak to you outside?
Me: Yes sure.
Doctor: I hope you are aware that she had a minor heart attack yesterday. Other than that, she had high blood pressure and diabetics. Let me explain to you the risk of someone having a heart attack. Well, 1/3 of the patients that will even pass away before reaching to hospital to seek for help. Some even pass away silently. We are only doctors and we are unable to tell when is someone that suffers from heart attack can last. But we can help to give medications and check on our patients. I hope that you will be mentally prepared for anything that might happen. And for further information, I would not recommend you to put her through machine to keep her heart thumping if need be. So you get me right?
Me: Yes. *thats all i could say.im crying.and the nurse is hugging me.

I suddenly feel that my world around me is turning like no other business. And i could feel the huge pain in my throat. I had to go through this period of time alone. A 16 year old girl, trying her very best to understand every single word that the doctor had just said.

A few minutes pass,my eyes are still red. She called me to help her take the cup of drink. She is really dehydrated.

Nenek: Kau nangis kenaper?
Dayah: Tak, dayah tak nangis, mater dayah saket pakai yang plastik tu.
Nenek: Asl kau pakai? Bukak lah, nanti buter.
Dayah: Tak lah.. Nenek tido ehh? Dayah teman nenek.
Nenek: Kau tk tdo?
Dayah: Nenek tdo dayah tdo. Nenek tak tdo, dayah tk tdo lah.
Nenek: Kau tak penat ke satu malam kau berjager untuk aku?
Dayah: Dayah tak penat. Nenek tdo ehh..?
Nenek: Aku tak boleh lelap. Aku nk bobal ngn kau.
Dayah: Bobal lah.dayah dengar.
Nenek: Kau tau tak....

She continue to speak, but i wasnt paying attention at all. Im thinking about the worst. Im not ready to lose another granny. I had been leaving with her for 16 years. She knows me very well, and she is the place where i utter my problems to her. She was the one that teaches me to read the HOLY QURAN. She was the one that thought me how to pray, recite the prayers and stuff. And in the future, if i ever does any of the above, how my mind will go to her. I love her.

Years ago, i threw the plates on her bed, cause i wasnt happy for some reasons. I stuffed my ears with the earpiece when she nags at my behaviour. AND NOW, i regret. I totally regret. Just by staring into her eyes, holding on to her hands, and feel her heart beat, made me cry.

Nenek: Asl kau nangis nie?
Dayah: tak lah. Mater dayah saket.

Thats the only reason i could give.

Nenek: Doctor kater aper kat kau?
Dayah: Doctor kater nenek demam. Banyak pkran.
Nenek: Asl aku tanyer jer, itu jer jawab kau. Tapi bbl ngn doctor kat luar tu lamer2. Itu jer dier cakap?
Dayah: aah nek. tu jer dier ckp. dah nenek mkn eh..?
Nenek: Tak mau lah. Kau tipu aku kan?
Dayah: tak lah.nenek mkn ehh??
Nenek:Kau makan lah. Aku tk der selera. Nanti kau dh makan kau blg doctor aku dh mkn. Jadi aku blh balek.
Dayah: ishk! nenek tak makan nenek tak sayang dayah.

I took the bowl of porridge and fed her. I realised the world rotation. Just 5 spoons full of porridge and a sip of hot milo, she stopped eating.

I was resting wen my aunt came.
She hugged my grandmother. I held out my hands to shake her hand. But she ignored. I tried it again, and she act as if she didnt see me. I knew why. I shook me head and wen outside. She say alot of things to granny, but i just kept quiet. After she left, w/o looking at me, mum reached.
Mum saw my red eye and asked why i was crying. I text her on phone, not wanting to let granny know what are we keeping from her. Few minutes later, the doctor came and talked to mum.
We controlled our tears. I cudden bear it longer so i went out of the room and cry.


Mum: makanlah mak.
Nenek: Tak nak lah. Aku nk dayah suap. Dier pandai suap aku.

i was at the corner of the room trying to sleep, get up straight away wen hearing that. I fed her again.

The time came when i went home with shu.
And part nie, aku malas nk elaborate.

SHU,
psl dier kiter bertekak. pls lah, i cudden bear to lose another wall.
im sowie for what had happen, but u are still my best buddy.you know exactly everything that happen in my family.and u shud noe that i was so tired today.damn tired.

and,
im tired of every single thing!

@ 7:10 AM

Tuesday, July 1, 2008 ♥

Someone is just pissing my heads off

I am pissed of with almost everything.
Every single thing that im doing or tht ive done doesnt seems right.
And, oh yes, it sucks.
Im trying my best to let it off, but its difficult.
I am thinking of losing him totally, OH gosh, how will it be?
The more i want to not to think about it, the more i end up crying over it.
Dozen of litres of tears rolled down my cheeks, but is it seriously worth it?
Im not gonna beg, cause it won't seem sincere for him to accept me back.
I have asked for it to end, but in the end, he says he needs time.
Im giving him all the time, but is he going around finding a replacement?
If that is really the case, i wish u all the best and be happy always.
But if that isnt the case, i hope to spent my time with u on the 15th.
& Oh yes, i miss you.


Yesterday, did the silat performance in school.
And i love the video.
My very first performance.
Muhaimin have already uploaded it to youtube.
Type woodgrove inthe search box.
Then find silat performance.
Well done guys!
p/s: mdm samsiyah compliment me of the sharp movements.
deep inside, i begin to agree with him, seni is not that boring perhaps.
im lovin' it.

School had been so tiring.
And social studies period marks bedtime for me.
Eventhough how i control myself not to sleep, i will end up slouching on desk.
DNT werkpiece is finishing soon.
Just the legs and hands, then combine them...
AND DONE!
ive realised that the lesser work left undone, the lazier i become.

p/s: what should i regard myself as now?

@ 8:22 AM